Archive for the ‘...uh...what?’ Category
Friday, August 13th, 2010
Okay, so this was a third person, said to a second person, about something the first person (me) had been involved in.
“If they’re still holding the menu, leave them the fuck alone.”
Hehehehe…there was a whole dust-up on Facebook about my bitching about a crappy waitress I had in Peo – oops – in another town recently. I mentioned how bad she was and a friend went off the deep end defending wait staff of all kinds, not just shitty ones. Then some other people said something and then I said something and then it was a whole ‘poopy-storm.’
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Sunday, August 8th, 2010
I love when friends send me great material. I didn’t hear these, but apparently they were said not only in public, but in answer to questions asked by judges.
Question: “What book are you reading right now?”
Answer: “I’m reading the book…called…um…I forgot what it’s called. Sorry.”
Question: “If you could be anyone for a day, who would you be and why?”
Answer: “If I could be anyone for a day I would be Adam Sandler, because his movies are hilarious so he has to have a funny life.”
Question: “If you were a spokesperson for any product what would it be?”
Answer: “High heel. Because I love them and am enjoying wearing them right now.”
Question: “If this pageant required you to have a platform, which would you choose?”
Answer: “The one in the middle so I wouldn’t be too far up or down.”
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Saturday, July 31st, 2010
“It feels funny to hug you when you have all this stuff on. You’re just so hard, and everywhere I move my hands there’s something sticking up.”
Said to me by a friend who was trying to give me a quick hug when I got back in town, but while I was on duty (thus wearing a vest with a hard breastplate and my belt chock full-o-police goodies). About halfway through the comment, she went bright red and her voice sort of faded away. I’m pretty sure I thought it was funnier than she did.
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Sunday, June 27th, 2010
“I don’t want a skull and crossbones on my vagina.”
Overheard by a friend while shopping at Victoria’s Secret. Even though I didn’t hear this, I had to post it. That’s just too funny. First that there is such underwear…the Captain Jack Sparrow Thong, no doubt…and second that a woman was that particular about coverage. Standards, baby, we should all have ‘em.
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Thursday, June 10th, 2010
A few days ago, I stopped a guy for speeding. Usually, while doing my small talk thing, I try to find out why they were speeding. A medical problem? Accelerator stuck? Car actually standing still but Earth rotating too fast? Whatever it might be.
This was the best answer I’ve ever gotten (even better than when Dad said his son was sick and at that precise moment, sonny-boy threw up from the backseat all the way to the windshield five feet away).
“So…any reason you’re driving so fast?”
“Huh?”
“Just wondering why you’re moving so quickly today.”
“Oh. Well…I’m a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman.”
“And?”
“I’m just not very smart.”
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Tuesday, June 1st, 2010
Don’t remember the exact conversation, but it was something like this:
Nurse: “I was taking my dogs to go swim.”
Me: “Swim? Wasn’t it raining?”
Nurse: “Yeah, it was torrentulous.”
Now, I know torrentulous is not a word, but every once in a while, something comes along that is so delicious, so perfectly goofy and descriptive, that is has to be integrated into one’s personal lexicon. The moment she said it, my vocabulary expanded by exactly one word.
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Tuesday, May 4th, 2010
First She – “I’ll bring the needles….”
Second She – “You bring the handcuffs….”
Me – “…uh….”
Second She – “And we’re sisters….”
First She – “Ooohh…this is gonna be fun.”
The sisters – both ER nurses – said we should hang out. This is what they came up with. Scared me to death….
* * *
“Dispatch, this isn’t a motorcyle accident…she just drove into the guardrail.”
A deputy, arriving at the scene of what had sounded like a particularly nasty motorcycle accident. See, it’s funny because driving into a guard rail IS an accident. It’s the very definition of an accident. In fact, in our traffic crash report books, there is a specific slot for…wait for it…DRIVING INTO A GUARDRAIL.
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Saturday, March 20th, 2010
Him: “It’s too porous.”
Me: “Porous? Or textured?”
Him: “Well, that’s what I meant. Textured and porous mean the same thing.”
Said to me on a day, during a situation, addressing a problem. That’s the most specific I can be. Get me drunk and I’ll tell you more.
By the way, they don’t mean the same damn thing…at least not according to Merriam-Webster.
Textured: something composed of closely interwoven elements. In this case, a textured surface.
Porous: permeable to fluids.
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Saturday, March 13th, 2010
“Oh…I didn’t know why you were here. They’re always coming around, arresting me for stupid shit.”
Said by a man who wanted to know why I was knocking on his door. I told him I was doing address verification…which we do on registered sex offenders.
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Thursday, February 11th, 2010
“Does your head get cold when it’s shiny?”
I was stunned silent, Dr Pepper in one hand, donut (I swear it really was a donut) in the other.
“My cousin told me if it’s shiny, it doesn’t get as cold.”
– a random man in a convenience store today, while I was on-duty.
* * *
“Hell, if I’d known he had a warrant, I wouldn’t'a been speeding.”
- a driver I stopped for speeding. One of his passengers had an arrest warrant out of another county.
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