…uh…what?
March 18, 2009 – 12:26 pm | by TreyToday, a whole pile of randoms. Enjoy.
“’I can’t catch a dui, but I can be one.’”
LuAnn, opining on what might be in my head when I mentioned wanting a wee taste of the whiskey after a nightmarish two hour on-line counseling session for my impending bankruptcy. I’ve run a bit dry on DUIs on patrol lately. This was her response.
***
“One way to lessen your expenses is to cut back on your dry cleaning.”
- and -
“Golf clubs should be purchased only after monthly necessities, such as rent and groceries, have been purchased.”
Advice from the two-hour, on-line counseling REQUIRED to file bankruptcy. With advice like this, hey, our economy will turn right around in no time.
***
“Do I have El Fucking Stupido written on my forehead?”
Said with a Spanish accent to a thoroughly white guy about exactly how stupid each thought the other might be. I half expected to see a man in blue tights with a red cape and ‘El Fucking Stupido’ emblazoned across his chest appear from a puff smoke.
***
“They’re slickery sometimes.”
A local video store employee, after I found a handful of porn DVD jewel cases stolen from her store while investigating a separate crime. I asked her to come talk to me and she offered this bit of wisdom about how the porn DVDs come back to the store occasionally. Eeeww.
***
“Yeah, we shot it.”
“But it was already dead.”
“Yeah.”
An officer, after discovering a polka-dotted goat, quite dead, asking a kid about he and his friends’ paintballing of said goat. He never got a decent answer as to why. Perhaps it was an existential reason. The goat had once been, the paintballing was, and the mopes believed in a universal co-reality of the two. Or maybe it was just fun to paintball a dead goat.
***
“Sonofabitchgoddamnitwhathefuckisthat…holycrapisthataused – ”
Me, upon reaching into a cupboard to retrieve stolen items and finding, instead, the suspect’s recently used condoms. I guess my question is, first, why would you keep used ones around and, second, if you were going to, why would you keep them in a cupboard?
3 Responses to “…uh…what?”
By RobertLFleck on Mar 18, 2009 | Reply
I think the goat shooting and the condoms both fall into the category of “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
By dow on Mar 18, 2009 | Reply
What kind of assbackwardsfuckedupbullshit is this?!?
I have to register in order 2 post a comment on your blog… wait for an e-mail, then learn that this is my password “wK*%&pm71!@^UaN)kd6!@98Uy$hG(%!”
Love the polka-dotted goat story
By Trey on Mar 18, 2009 | Reply
True, your password is odd, but remember: never buy your golf clubs before paying rent. Follow this simple dictum and life will never be your enemy.
Also, just want to point out, as a friend pointed out to me: the dead goat and the condoms are, criminologically speaking, related. hehehe, bet you wanna hear THAT story now, don’t you?